Chapter 5: Shit Show

LSZL3201Pardon the vulgarity, but it’s necessary to showcase the nature of this dinner.

The next course arrived covered. Once again, Chef Richard explained the dish I’d be eating in detail. From what I understood (given his accent and mumbling), he once allegedly wanted to cook a high-quality meat for the prisoners. Naturally, this meant someone had to sneak it in for him. The delivery method? Someone filled a condom with meat, inserted it up their rear, and held it there until they were able to……deliver it. When Richard found out about this, he recalled, he couldn’t believe it and felt disgusted. That is until he realized the body’s natural temperature actually cooked the meat. To relive that experience, the dish I was about to eat had also been “anally heated” as well. Really? The “meat” would be served inside a strawberry condom, surrounded by strawberries and I think some collard greens.

What I thought: Yeah, OK. Don’t act shocked. Keep your smile on. This is bullshit. Don’t eye roll. There’s no way this is real, and there’s no way they would serve someone something “heated” that way. Since they are messing with me, I’ll mess with them back and act like I just don’t care. With a graceful smile. But wow, everyone here is actually playing the role well.  I can’t believe they would go to such great lengths to fake this! Why can’t I catch a single person even remotely smiling or exchanging a knowing glance? What if it’s just a horrible restaurant concept after all? Did the producer just say this would be a dinner I’d have to pay big money for in several years? With a serious face? Academy Award performance! Wow, that is a huge pink condom. Disgusting. At least there are real strawberries on the plate. I want to leave. This is ridiculous. Wow. 

What I said and did: Can you define anally heated?” No one answered. They were fumbling to uncover the dish. Once they did, I chuckled. They wanted to film the big reveal again. I asked if they wanted me to act surprised. No one answered. He then insisted on cutting it open for me. Clearly, they’d never done it. The condom didn’t split open easily. Encouraged to eat it, I took a delicate amount of meat from the middle area that hadn’t touched the condom and a couple of the strawberries that were on the plate. He described what I should be tasting, and I nodded and smiled not giving much feedback. Honestly, can’t remember what I said given how hard I was working on keeping it together and not showing the shocked or angry reaction I felt. Since the camera stayed on me at all times, I took mostly pieces of strawberries until encouraged to try the meat again. I put my fork down after several “bites.” Done. I felt disgusted with this crew and experience. I lost my excitement and refused to give them any of the expected behavior.

  • BACK TO:

Chapter 1: The Pitch

Chapter 2: The Meeting & Introduction

Chapter 3: Amuse Bouche 1, 2, & 3

Chapter 4: The First Blow & Some Fish Tales

  • FORWARD TO:

Chapter 6: I Eat Dead People

Chapter 7: The Shit Hit the Fan Wall

Chapter 8: The Review

Chapter 9: Discovery & Final Thoughts